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Is he genuine?

Justme24

Major Ratslayer
That's a question @Aisha can answer as she is Arab but as far as I know they get introduced to a cousin and if they agree to it the future husband goes to the family home of the girl to introduce himself and to ask for permission. Sometimes it's at a young age they are promised to eachother untill the husband is set up to get married and can provide the future wife and all the things he needs to have a wedding. I am sure @Aisha can correct me when I said something wrong here
Why I ask I maybe putting 2 and 2 together and getting 5 but he went to visit a aunt who he hasn’t seen since he was a baby. Just in conversation I asked if he had any cousins there. 18 year old male and a 14 year old female. He is 21 so only 7 years her senior. I joked and said oh did you go to meet your future wife? He just replied I won’t marry a family member.
 

Butterflies

Major Ratslayer
Why I ask I maybe putting 2 and 2 together and getting 5 but he went to visit a aunt who he hasn’t seen since he was a baby. Just in conversation I asked if he had any cousins there. 18 year old male and a 14 year old female. He is 21 so only 7 years her senior. I joked and said oh did you go to meet your future wife? He just replied I won’t marry a family member.
Honnestly I can't answer it correctly but it wouldn't surprise me if it happened but I know they like their wife's to be younger then them and it's quite common they marry a cousin but who knows maybe it's changing now with the younger generation
 

Justme24

Major Ratslayer
If he didn't see them since he was a baby and now visiting them it could be for other reasons but he will not tell you. Did you ask why it took such a long time he didn't see his aunt? It's odd as families seems to stick together and most are close to eachother family wise
I’m a massive overthinking. I don’t know why I even ask as we are only friends but I just was curious
 

Aisha1

Major Ratslayer
That's a question @Aisha can answer as she is Arab but as far as I know they get introduced to a cousin and if they agree to it the future husband goes to the family home of the girl to introduce himself and to ask for permission. Sometimes it's at a young age they are promised to eachother untill the husband is set up to get married and can provide the future wife and all the things he needs to have a wedding. I am sure @Aisha can correct me when I said something wrong here
Thanks @Butterflies so….. this is actually done out side of major cities. In the village this happens one or two ways, 1) they are promised before birth or the children, an agreement is just known. As children cousins in village are raised almost like brother and sister, the cousins form feelings themselves and marriage is negotiated. Then they center their whole life around saving for wedding and home 2) or as adults they get set up at family functions, by other relatives or they just form feelings, family starts saving for marriage. Listen , not to sound snobby or rude, I don’t know any other way to say this…. But families that do this are lower class and typically uneducated, it’s not a guy you really want to marry…. They are soooo set in their culture that a marriage with a foreign woman rarely works. We are talking about families that still hang the sheets from the honeymoon outside so all the village can see blood stains as proof of virginity.
 

Aisha1

Major Ratslayer
Why I ask I maybe putting 2 and 2 together and getting 5 but he went to visit a aunt who he hasn’t seen since he was a baby. Just in conversation I asked if he had any cousins there. 18 year old male and a 14 year old female. He is 21 so only 7 years her senior. I joked and said oh did you go to meet your future wife? He just replied I won’t marry a family member.
It’s true, if he said he will not marry a family member then it’s probably true. They either do it or don’t. But you are correct in assuming… that’s how it happens, they are promised around that age because they want to ensure a virgin bride
 

Justme24

Major Ratslayer
It is good that you ask questions, we would rather you ask 100 questions than not to ask at all - there is so much knowledge on here and members are more than happy to answer <3

MH x
Thank you, it just doesn’t add up to me. His Aunt is on his Facebook she likes and comments on his posts. Well if it his is Aunt she’s born 1973 but I suppose you can but any date of birth. Nothing makes sense, why if she only lives an hour away would he of not seen her for so long? Also he started his annual leave returning home on the Friday after a 6 hour bus journey why did he go the very next day after not seeing his family for months. Does my brain just work overtime or do I have a valid point?
 

Butterflies

Major Ratslayer
Thank you, it just doesn’t add up to me. His Aunt is on his Facebook she likes and comments on his posts. Well if it his is Aunt she’s born 1973 but I suppose you can but any date of birth. Nothing makes sense, why if she only lives an hour away would he of not seen her for so long? Also he started his annual leave returning home on the Friday after a 6 hour bus journey why did he go the very next day after not seeing his family for months. Does my brain just work overtime or do I have a valid point?
Hi @Justme24 I know you like the guy and just friends now and we are happy to answer all your questions but can I ask you a question? Is all this overthinking (not saying it is but you feel it) worth your precious time? Maybe he was tired after the long journey in a hot bus? And yes you can change your birthday date on Facebook.
 

Justme24

Major Ratslayer
Hi @Justme24 I know you like the guy and just friends now and we are happy to answer all your questions but can I ask you a question? Is all this overthinking (not saying it is but you feel it) worth your precious time? Maybe he was tired after the long journey in a hot bus? And yes you can change your birthday date on Facebook.
You are probably right not worth my precious time. The journey home he traveled on the Friday then went to his aunts on the Saturday. Why the rush why it spend a few days with his family at home first?
 

Butterflies

Major Ratslayer
I obviously like him more than I’m letting on, for this to trouble me so much. I don’t know what to do! Should I just cut all contact with him say goodbye or question him further? For my own sake think the first option is the best. :(
I'm not saying he is a rat but as you say some things in his replys and things he say to you raises questions on your side and the lack of trust will always be in the back of your mind. The longer you are in contact with him the more your feelings toward him will grow.
 

Aisha1

Major Ratslayer
This tradition sounds so backwards. It’s humiliating for the woman, that’s how I see it at least. Besides, a woman doesn’t always bleed when she loses her virginity.
With all respect, it is a different culture and you are trying to be with someone who follows these traditions, so you should really think that over if that’s how you feel; friends or something more….. eventually you would need to live in this mindset or your relationship will fail ( he will NOT change, rarely they do). The women don’t see it as humiliating, it’s honorable to them and their family ( hence why some pay for the surgery), image is everything to these people, they only care about what their family and neighbors think. I understand the culture because this culture you speak of being backwards is also mine, this is our ways. I don’t agree with it all but I understand it. It’s the old way of conservative people in Islam and they just don’t come up to speed with all the world yet, also education plays a role, myself I’m modernized as millions of us are, but Tunisia still has these areas where these practices and ways are common. I don’t think it’s strange he waited so long to visit his aunt, I’m the same ( even 1 hour away) . Arabs act like 1 hour away is a mini holiday trip, we are dramatic. Also men are very close to aunts usually, the aunts love them as their own and on Facebook it’s normal to get like everything and wish good things. As you said she has a 14 year old daughter, it’s very very possible they will marry. As you said he can marry a European, go make money, divorce and his cousin will be old enough and he will have the money to take care of her…. So that is very very possible. If you feel something usually it’s good to go with your feeling.
 

Tinker-lulu

Major Ratslayer
Honnestly I can't answer it correctly but it wouldn't surprise me if it happened but I know they like their wife's to be younger then them and it's quite common they marry a cousin but who knows maybe it's changing now with the younger generation
No I don’t think it’s changed this marriage thing, pressure from the parents is very strong and they like to keep it in the family unless he meets a foreigner and that’s ok because that’s purely bezness.
Family get together and they will have children who will be looked after within the family so yes nothing has changed.
I think he’s gone to meet his future wife, I’m certain of that!!
 

Justme24

Major Ratslayer
No I don’t think it’s changed this marriage thing, pressure from the parents is very strong and they like to keep it in the family unless he meets a foreigner and that’s ok because that’s purely bezness.
Family get together and they will have children who will be looked after within the family so yes nothing has changed.
I think he’s gone to meet his future wife, I’m certain of that!!
Thank you ladies for your time and your experience on the matter. Gut says it’s his future wife
 

Justme24

Major Ratslayer
Hi me again. Sorry to trouble you all again. So after your responses I decided to ask him a few questions about his cousin. This was his response and I quote “Well, I will answer you here. Few of them marry their cousins or aunts. Perhaps it is in a secret that there is a disability that occurs when children are born from them. Secondly, I do not love my relatives and marry the one I love. I will choose my wife not my mother.”
 

Tinker-lulu

Major Ratslayer
Hi me again. Sorry to trouble you all again. So after your responses I decided to ask him a few questions about his cousin. This was his response and I quote “Well, I will answer you here. Few of them marry their cousins or aunts. Perhaps it is in a secret that there is a disability that occurs when children are born from them. Secondly, I do not love my relatives and marry the one I love. I will choose my wife not my mother.”
Marry their aunt? If I’m not mistaken the holy Quran prohibits this!
Their cousin yes, very distant cousin.
 
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